Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
