Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
