2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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