im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
