Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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