Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
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Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
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You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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