She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
