I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wish they made helmets for livers.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
