After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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