I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
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Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
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The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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