my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
