good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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