I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
