The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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