i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
