Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
