I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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