If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
