remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
