i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
