he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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