I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So vagazzling was a success
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
