Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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