thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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