I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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