When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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