I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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