i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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