you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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