i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
