I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
