remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
