If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
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