New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
