you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
