big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
