Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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