Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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