Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
