He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
