Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
