He uses pillows to masturbate.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
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Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
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Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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