literally had 100 drinks last night.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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