i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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