I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.