She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.