All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
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i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
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These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks