I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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