Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
