would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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