this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
