theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
