I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
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I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
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We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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