did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
