So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
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What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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