yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
