Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
