We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
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I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
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come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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